a little bit of poetry

Lids are heavy, eyes are red

Lying here, still awake, curled up in bed.

Staring at my screen, wishing you would call

Fighting to be awake, to dreams I won't fall

I'm sorry that I don't seem to really talk much

Its just all my thoughts keep my mind in a constant rush.

All I can do is stare, wishing I knew what to say

While I sit there and keeping dreaming of the day

Where I won't need a computer to see your face

I can just touch it with my hand and feel your angelic grace.

But weeks have passed and a few more are to come

So I just want you to know that you are the only one

Where I can lay and stare out into the stars above

and say with confidence: This is the one I love.

imissyousofuckingmuch.

I wish I knew how to get inside your head.
You don't have to get in, you're already there.

I wish I knew what you were thinking when you kissed me.
I wish I knew too, but I think that my mind went clear.
I wish you knew how much I still think about you.
There isn't a second that passes when I don't miss you.

I wish you knew that I contact you as much as I do because I care about losing you.
You don't have to worry about losing me, I'm in for this ride too.

I wish I could figure you out at all.
I wish I could as well.

I kind of wish sometimes that I was back in New York so I could set shit straight before it goes bad.
I just wish I was with you, incase you couldn't tell.

I wish I could fall asleep next to you for real...for just one night.
One day you will and I hope it is soon.

I wish you would tell me how you really feel and quit holding back. I'm tired of guessing.
I've fallen hard, I mean that with every atom in my body.

I wish I could have met you a long time ago, I would have made you mine first.
Me too, but we don't know whats in store for us so there's always a chance.

I wish we both weren't so busy all the time, because all I ever wanna do is talk to you lately.
It'll all be worth it, we still make time for each other.

I wish I could sing something with you right now.
I wish I could hold your hand right now.

I wish we could go back to that night on the playground at the top of the slide, looking at the stars and clouds race above our heads. I was afraid to kiss you that night. I felt your breath hovering along my neck, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to turn around and kiss you. I wish I did.
I wish I manned up and kissed you like I wanted to.

I wish I hadn't held back from showing you how I feel our last night together. If I could do it all over again without hurting one of us first, I would.
It hurts more knowing that you felt the need to hold back.
I wish you knew how talented I think you are, and how proud I am to call myself your friend.
Even though I don't show it, I greatly appreciate every time you say it to me.  I don't think you realize how much it means.

I wish you knew that I spend every day wondering what you're doing, or that I check pretty much every website you own excited to see what you're thinking next. I guess maybe that's a little much to admit, but hey...I like you.
I wish I had more time to write, cause I want to let you know everything that goes on.

I wish you knew that I watch our videos together literally every day, several times a day, smiling.
I listen to our recordings in the car every day.

I wish you knew that even though I've seemed to push you away, I secretly love everything about the way you feel about me. Nothing makes me genuinely more happy than hearing words so sweet from so far away from home.
I'm only telling the truth.

I wish you knew how much all of this bothers me and keeps me up at night.
I wish you knew how much I hate how much you occupy my thought process.

I wish you knew how badly I want to kiss you sometimes.
All the time.

Or even how much I think about laying in your arms; getting to ever have a chance with you.
Every night I fall asleep wishing you were here.

I wish you knew how much I loved burying my head in your chest or laying on your lap in the dark.
I wish you new how calm that makes me feel.

I wish you knew how much your smile warms my heart. I get this sense of crazed happiness every time I finally get to see you smile. It's addicting.
I wish you knew how happy you make me in general.  Seriously, it gets a tad bit ridiculous, even when something small reminds me of you I get this unnatural hysteria in my heart.

I wish you knew that I'm falling for you and I don't even know what to do about it.
I wish you knew how badly I want to run away from this place and spend every day with you.

Random Acts of Happiness

So today, while I was waiting for my next class, a girl came up to me and asked me why I had such a big smile on my face.  I hadn't noticed this myself, but then I realized I had the largest smile on my face that I've had in a long time.  I thought for a moment, taking a drag from my cigarette, looked at her and said:

"I guess its because even though there is an overcast today, the sun is still shining brightly.  I still have blood in my body, air in my lungs, and the ground beneath my feet.  I know that somewhere on this gigantic spinning rock that there is someone out there who loves my very existence, and I know that I love someone in the same exact way. So give me one damn good reason as to why I shouldn't be smiling at this moment."

She said nothing.  Though, the ear to ear grin that had formed on her face expressed everything that I knew she was thinking.  Our conversation ended with a simple nod and then we both walked off on our separate ways.  Hopefully she went on to share this thought with others in random acts of happiness.

This is in no way, shape, or form, a happy post.

I cried tonight.
I cried my fucking eyes out.
So much that my tear wells dried up like a desert.
My body feels much the same.
Desolate, cracked, and lacking everything but sand.
It's not your fault.
Please, for the love of god, just trust me on this one.
If you can find a way to break those trust issues you have, for understandable reasons, please.
I shouldn't have gotten attached.
I shouldn't have fallen so fucking hard.
I shouldn't have ever kissed you.
Its my fault, its all my fucking fault.
I shouldn't have let you get so close.
I could have prevented this entire situation from arising.
But god damn you're existence is beautiful.
I can't stop thinking about that night on Skype.
Cause I know that will be as close as I ever get to falling asleep next to you.
Which is all I honestly want.
I want comfort, I want to feel safe.
I don't want to feel like this, like everything is out of control and I can't do a fucking thing about it.
What was I thinking?
What made me think this was a good idea in the last bit?
You're moving out of New York, probably permanently, this Sunday.
Why did I let myself become so vulnerable?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But I'm not mad at you, not at all.
Please don't take this as being all your doing, cause its not.
I know you wouldn't do a damn thing to hurt me, and I hope you know this reciprocates.
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at everything.
Ugh.
So many thoughts......
.....I think I'm overloading again.....
Fuck....

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why must we get so close mentally then be seperated so far physically?

I'm not one to usually bitch and complain about the curveballs life has thrown me in my 23 years of existence, but this one takes the fucking cake.  I met this girl a few months ago, but we never really talked.  I was involved in a relationship and she had just gotten out of a long one.  It wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that we had our first actual conversation and I'm almost positive it lasted for a good three or four hours before we realized it was super late and I needed to get home.

    After that night, we pretty much became inseparable.  I'm pretty sure I've spent a majority of the past few weeks by her side.  She is honestly the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever gotten the pleasure of meeting.  She sat by me when I had one of my mental overloads and couldn't really move or talk.  That's something a lot of people don't get to see, because I don't want them too, but she handled the situation with so much grace it was almost unreal.  I felt something, sitting next to her while having minor convulsions with my jaw, that I haven't felt in the presence of someone in a long time...I felt calm.  Once my brain and body were functional again, I felt as though I was weightless, that every bad thought and image I just had running through my head at a million miles an hour never existed in the first place.

And then I heard her sing.

Now, I love music just about as much as anyone on this spinning rock we call Earth does, but when I heard her hit that first note of the song my heart collapsed.  Chills ran through my entire nervous system, my heart changed to the rhythm of the song, and every hair on my body was giving her a standing ovation.  It was ethereal.

Besides the fact that she has a voice unlike any I've heard in while, and the fact that she can handles my mental dysfunctions without a problem, I believe she is genuinely interested in all of my philosophies, theories, and random rants about certain subjects.  After a long skate that we had, we wound up sitting on a school playground for literally five hours just talking.

FIVE FUCKING HOURS

When I was driving home I felt as though I never needed to talk again because we had discussed just about everything you could think of.  And I mean everything in the most literal sense possible.  We ranged from past relationships, to mathematics, to sports we used to play, to how growing up in general was for each of us.

The scariest part of all was that I wasn't scared in the least bit.

I felt so comfortable talking to her about everything that I couldn't help fall for her.  And that's where the problem lies, I fell.

You see, the thing is, there are two very large factors in whats going on right now.  I'll start with the lesser of the two.

She's already seeing someone.

I'm not mad or anything about this, this was something that was in existence before we managed to stumble into each others lives.  I've met him too, and he is honestly a great guy.  Very easy to get a long with, hell, tonight he even helped me and her record a song together. The other reason, though, is a bit harder to accept.

She's moving away to South Carolina this sunday.

This sucks.  This sucks so much that I think the word "suck" needs a new definition.  What's funny is that this is such a huge issue in where this "relationship", or whatever you want to call it, is going.  We both feel really strongly for each other, but there is literally nothing we can do to prevent this from happening.  I feel defeated, powerless, and overall just useless.

Futility is the single most unnerving feeling you will ever experience in your life.

The fact that I have no control over what happens really hurts.  I've lost sleep, lost my appetite, and also lost my concentration.  I can't help but repeat myself over and over.

This really fucking blows, a lot.

I just wish one of two things had happened.
1) I met her earlier so maybe what we want to happen now could have already happened and flourished.
2) I never met her in the first place.

The second option is a bit harsh, but frankly it would make my life, and hers, a whole lot easier right now.  I was at a point where I was finally getting everything in my life the way I wanted it.  I got a job, I was doing well in school again, skating was actually going really well.  But then she fell into my life and took me down with her.

In the words of the great Jonathan Coulton:
You've ruined everything in the nicest way.