This is in no way, shape, or form, a happy post.

I cried tonight.
I cried my fucking eyes out.
So much that my tear wells dried up like a desert.
My body feels much the same.
Desolate, cracked, and lacking everything but sand.
It's not your fault.
Please, for the love of god, just trust me on this one.
If you can find a way to break those trust issues you have, for understandable reasons, please.
I shouldn't have gotten attached.
I shouldn't have fallen so fucking hard.
I shouldn't have ever kissed you.
Its my fault, its all my fucking fault.
I shouldn't have let you get so close.
I could have prevented this entire situation from arising.
But god damn you're existence is beautiful.
I can't stop thinking about that night on Skype.
Cause I know that will be as close as I ever get to falling asleep next to you.
Which is all I honestly want.
I want comfort, I want to feel safe.
I don't want to feel like this, like everything is out of control and I can't do a fucking thing about it.
What was I thinking?
What made me think this was a good idea in the last bit?
You're moving out of New York, probably permanently, this Sunday.
Why did I let myself become so vulnerable?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But I'm not mad at you, not at all.
Please don't take this as being all your doing, cause its not.
I know you wouldn't do a damn thing to hurt me, and I hope you know this reciprocates.
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at everything.
Ugh.
So many thoughts......
.....I think I'm overloading again.....
Fuck....

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why must we get so close mentally then be seperated so far physically?

I'm not one to usually bitch and complain about the curveballs life has thrown me in my 23 years of existence, but this one takes the fucking cake.  I met this girl a few months ago, but we never really talked.  I was involved in a relationship and she had just gotten out of a long one.  It wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that we had our first actual conversation and I'm almost positive it lasted for a good three or four hours before we realized it was super late and I needed to get home.

    After that night, we pretty much became inseparable.  I'm pretty sure I've spent a majority of the past few weeks by her side.  She is honestly the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever gotten the pleasure of meeting.  She sat by me when I had one of my mental overloads and couldn't really move or talk.  That's something a lot of people don't get to see, because I don't want them too, but she handled the situation with so much grace it was almost unreal.  I felt something, sitting next to her while having minor convulsions with my jaw, that I haven't felt in the presence of someone in a long time...I felt calm.  Once my brain and body were functional again, I felt as though I was weightless, that every bad thought and image I just had running through my head at a million miles an hour never existed in the first place.

And then I heard her sing.

Now, I love music just about as much as anyone on this spinning rock we call Earth does, but when I heard her hit that first note of the song my heart collapsed.  Chills ran through my entire nervous system, my heart changed to the rhythm of the song, and every hair on my body was giving her a standing ovation.  It was ethereal.

Besides the fact that she has a voice unlike any I've heard in while, and the fact that she can handles my mental dysfunctions without a problem, I believe she is genuinely interested in all of my philosophies, theories, and random rants about certain subjects.  After a long skate that we had, we wound up sitting on a school playground for literally five hours just talking.

FIVE FUCKING HOURS

When I was driving home I felt as though I never needed to talk again because we had discussed just about everything you could think of.  And I mean everything in the most literal sense possible.  We ranged from past relationships, to mathematics, to sports we used to play, to how growing up in general was for each of us.

The scariest part of all was that I wasn't scared in the least bit.

I felt so comfortable talking to her about everything that I couldn't help fall for her.  And that's where the problem lies, I fell.

You see, the thing is, there are two very large factors in whats going on right now.  I'll start with the lesser of the two.

She's already seeing someone.

I'm not mad or anything about this, this was something that was in existence before we managed to stumble into each others lives.  I've met him too, and he is honestly a great guy.  Very easy to get a long with, hell, tonight he even helped me and her record a song together. The other reason, though, is a bit harder to accept.

She's moving away to South Carolina this sunday.

This sucks.  This sucks so much that I think the word "suck" needs a new definition.  What's funny is that this is such a huge issue in where this "relationship", or whatever you want to call it, is going.  We both feel really strongly for each other, but there is literally nothing we can do to prevent this from happening.  I feel defeated, powerless, and overall just useless.

Futility is the single most unnerving feeling you will ever experience in your life.

The fact that I have no control over what happens really hurts.  I've lost sleep, lost my appetite, and also lost my concentration.  I can't help but repeat myself over and over.

This really fucking blows, a lot.

I just wish one of two things had happened.
1) I met her earlier so maybe what we want to happen now could have already happened and flourished.
2) I never met her in the first place.

The second option is a bit harsh, but frankly it would make my life, and hers, a whole lot easier right now.  I was at a point where I was finally getting everything in my life the way I wanted it.  I got a job, I was doing well in school again, skating was actually going really well.  But then she fell into my life and took me down with her.

In the words of the great Jonathan Coulton:
You've ruined everything in the nicest way.