a little bit of poetry

Lids are heavy, eyes are red

Lying here, still awake, curled up in bed.

Staring at my screen, wishing you would call

Fighting to be awake, to dreams I won't fall

I'm sorry that I don't seem to really talk much

Its just all my thoughts keep my mind in a constant rush.

All I can do is stare, wishing I knew what to say

While I sit there and keeping dreaming of the day

Where I won't need a computer to see your face

I can just touch it with my hand and feel your angelic grace.

But weeks have passed and a few more are to come

So I just want you to know that you are the only one

Where I can lay and stare out into the stars above

and say with confidence: This is the one I love.

imissyousofuckingmuch.

I wish I knew how to get inside your head.
You don't have to get in, you're already there.

I wish I knew what you were thinking when you kissed me.
I wish I knew too, but I think that my mind went clear.
I wish you knew how much I still think about you.
There isn't a second that passes when I don't miss you.

I wish you knew that I contact you as much as I do because I care about losing you.
You don't have to worry about losing me, I'm in for this ride too.

I wish I could figure you out at all.
I wish I could as well.

I kind of wish sometimes that I was back in New York so I could set shit straight before it goes bad.
I just wish I was with you, incase you couldn't tell.

I wish I could fall asleep next to you for real...for just one night.
One day you will and I hope it is soon.

I wish you would tell me how you really feel and quit holding back. I'm tired of guessing.
I've fallen hard, I mean that with every atom in my body.

I wish I could have met you a long time ago, I would have made you mine first.
Me too, but we don't know whats in store for us so there's always a chance.

I wish we both weren't so busy all the time, because all I ever wanna do is talk to you lately.
It'll all be worth it, we still make time for each other.

I wish I could sing something with you right now.
I wish I could hold your hand right now.

I wish we could go back to that night on the playground at the top of the slide, looking at the stars and clouds race above our heads. I was afraid to kiss you that night. I felt your breath hovering along my neck, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to turn around and kiss you. I wish I did.
I wish I manned up and kissed you like I wanted to.

I wish I hadn't held back from showing you how I feel our last night together. If I could do it all over again without hurting one of us first, I would.
It hurts more knowing that you felt the need to hold back.
I wish you knew how talented I think you are, and how proud I am to call myself your friend.
Even though I don't show it, I greatly appreciate every time you say it to me.  I don't think you realize how much it means.

I wish you knew that I spend every day wondering what you're doing, or that I check pretty much every website you own excited to see what you're thinking next. I guess maybe that's a little much to admit, but hey...I like you.
I wish I had more time to write, cause I want to let you know everything that goes on.

I wish you knew that I watch our videos together literally every day, several times a day, smiling.
I listen to our recordings in the car every day.

I wish you knew that even though I've seemed to push you away, I secretly love everything about the way you feel about me. Nothing makes me genuinely more happy than hearing words so sweet from so far away from home.
I'm only telling the truth.

I wish you knew how much all of this bothers me and keeps me up at night.
I wish you knew how much I hate how much you occupy my thought process.

I wish you knew how badly I want to kiss you sometimes.
All the time.

Or even how much I think about laying in your arms; getting to ever have a chance with you.
Every night I fall asleep wishing you were here.

I wish you knew how much I loved burying my head in your chest or laying on your lap in the dark.
I wish you new how calm that makes me feel.

I wish you knew how much your smile warms my heart. I get this sense of crazed happiness every time I finally get to see you smile. It's addicting.
I wish you knew how happy you make me in general.  Seriously, it gets a tad bit ridiculous, even when something small reminds me of you I get this unnatural hysteria in my heart.

I wish you knew that I'm falling for you and I don't even know what to do about it.
I wish you knew how badly I want to run away from this place and spend every day with you.

Random Acts of Happiness

So today, while I was waiting for my next class, a girl came up to me and asked me why I had such a big smile on my face.  I hadn't noticed this myself, but then I realized I had the largest smile on my face that I've had in a long time.  I thought for a moment, taking a drag from my cigarette, looked at her and said:

"I guess its because even though there is an overcast today, the sun is still shining brightly.  I still have blood in my body, air in my lungs, and the ground beneath my feet.  I know that somewhere on this gigantic spinning rock that there is someone out there who loves my very existence, and I know that I love someone in the same exact way. So give me one damn good reason as to why I shouldn't be smiling at this moment."

She said nothing.  Though, the ear to ear grin that had formed on her face expressed everything that I knew she was thinking.  Our conversation ended with a simple nod and then we both walked off on our separate ways.  Hopefully she went on to share this thought with others in random acts of happiness.

This is in no way, shape, or form, a happy post.

I cried tonight.
I cried my fucking eyes out.
So much that my tear wells dried up like a desert.
My body feels much the same.
Desolate, cracked, and lacking everything but sand.
It's not your fault.
Please, for the love of god, just trust me on this one.
If you can find a way to break those trust issues you have, for understandable reasons, please.
I shouldn't have gotten attached.
I shouldn't have fallen so fucking hard.
I shouldn't have ever kissed you.
Its my fault, its all my fucking fault.
I shouldn't have let you get so close.
I could have prevented this entire situation from arising.
But god damn you're existence is beautiful.
I can't stop thinking about that night on Skype.
Cause I know that will be as close as I ever get to falling asleep next to you.
Which is all I honestly want.
I want comfort, I want to feel safe.
I don't want to feel like this, like everything is out of control and I can't do a fucking thing about it.
What was I thinking?
What made me think this was a good idea in the last bit?
You're moving out of New York, probably permanently, this Sunday.
Why did I let myself become so vulnerable?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But I'm not mad at you, not at all.
Please don't take this as being all your doing, cause its not.
I know you wouldn't do a damn thing to hurt me, and I hope you know this reciprocates.
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at everything.
Ugh.
So many thoughts......
.....I think I'm overloading again.....
Fuck....

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why must we get so close mentally then be seperated so far physically?

I'm not one to usually bitch and complain about the curveballs life has thrown me in my 23 years of existence, but this one takes the fucking cake.  I met this girl a few months ago, but we never really talked.  I was involved in a relationship and she had just gotten out of a long one.  It wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that we had our first actual conversation and I'm almost positive it lasted for a good three or four hours before we realized it was super late and I needed to get home.

    After that night, we pretty much became inseparable.  I'm pretty sure I've spent a majority of the past few weeks by her side.  She is honestly the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever gotten the pleasure of meeting.  She sat by me when I had one of my mental overloads and couldn't really move or talk.  That's something a lot of people don't get to see, because I don't want them too, but she handled the situation with so much grace it was almost unreal.  I felt something, sitting next to her while having minor convulsions with my jaw, that I haven't felt in the presence of someone in a long time...I felt calm.  Once my brain and body were functional again, I felt as though I was weightless, that every bad thought and image I just had running through my head at a million miles an hour never existed in the first place.

And then I heard her sing.

Now, I love music just about as much as anyone on this spinning rock we call Earth does, but when I heard her hit that first note of the song my heart collapsed.  Chills ran through my entire nervous system, my heart changed to the rhythm of the song, and every hair on my body was giving her a standing ovation.  It was ethereal.

Besides the fact that she has a voice unlike any I've heard in while, and the fact that she can handles my mental dysfunctions without a problem, I believe she is genuinely interested in all of my philosophies, theories, and random rants about certain subjects.  After a long skate that we had, we wound up sitting on a school playground for literally five hours just talking.

FIVE FUCKING HOURS

When I was driving home I felt as though I never needed to talk again because we had discussed just about everything you could think of.  And I mean everything in the most literal sense possible.  We ranged from past relationships, to mathematics, to sports we used to play, to how growing up in general was for each of us.

The scariest part of all was that I wasn't scared in the least bit.

I felt so comfortable talking to her about everything that I couldn't help fall for her.  And that's where the problem lies, I fell.

You see, the thing is, there are two very large factors in whats going on right now.  I'll start with the lesser of the two.

She's already seeing someone.

I'm not mad or anything about this, this was something that was in existence before we managed to stumble into each others lives.  I've met him too, and he is honestly a great guy.  Very easy to get a long with, hell, tonight he even helped me and her record a song together. The other reason, though, is a bit harder to accept.

She's moving away to South Carolina this sunday.

This sucks.  This sucks so much that I think the word "suck" needs a new definition.  What's funny is that this is such a huge issue in where this "relationship", or whatever you want to call it, is going.  We both feel really strongly for each other, but there is literally nothing we can do to prevent this from happening.  I feel defeated, powerless, and overall just useless.

Futility is the single most unnerving feeling you will ever experience in your life.

The fact that I have no control over what happens really hurts.  I've lost sleep, lost my appetite, and also lost my concentration.  I can't help but repeat myself over and over.

This really fucking blows, a lot.

I just wish one of two things had happened.
1) I met her earlier so maybe what we want to happen now could have already happened and flourished.
2) I never met her in the first place.

The second option is a bit harsh, but frankly it would make my life, and hers, a whole lot easier right now.  I was at a point where I was finally getting everything in my life the way I wanted it.  I got a job, I was doing well in school again, skating was actually going really well.  But then she fell into my life and took me down with her.

In the words of the great Jonathan Coulton:
You've ruined everything in the nicest way. 

Its a war of the sexs dont let it get blurred....

So I'm sitting here at my dining room table, enjoying my disgusting hot pocket and drinking my gatorade, when I came across this article on a World of Warcraft blog I like to read (don't hate). Anyway, the article is named Sugar and Spice, Snakes and Snails, and its a breakdown of how people in reality according to gender. (http://ferarro.blogspot.com/2010/03/sugar-and-spice-snakes-and-snails.html)

Now please, take the time and read that article. It has a wonderful point of view, well organized and structured, and for the most part I do agree with what she is saying. But only one thing its biased from a female perspective. Not in a negative way, but it makes you sympathize with the male population.

Okay. Maybe not really.

But thats not the point. The point I'm trying to get to is that guys can be just as evil as girls, sometimes to the point where you're disgusted just to be around them.

Yeah, guys do take care of conflicts in a shorter timespan that girls, for the most part, but that's only publicly. I, myself, am a very peaceful, loving person. So I tend to let any conflict drop as soon as I can convince the other party to do the same. But some of the horror stories that I've heard.

Yeah, girls will spread rumors, start shit on facebook, do whatever they can to try and destroy a persons social life. But some guys will go straight for the fucking throat. I'm not saying they'll try to kill you, but what I am saying is that they attack the spot that hurts the most, your heart. They will try to turn your own friends against you, blackmail you, even try to fuck your girlfriend/significant other if they hate you enough.

Girls attack one another through spite.
Guys use raw anger and hatred.


But enough about that, onto a different topic of that article that I really enjoyed. And that's the section about one of my lifelines, music.

You can tell a lot about people by the music they listen. Whether its from watching how they react when they hear one of their favorite songs. Or just by the lyrics that go into it, be it full of hatred and disgust, or passion and love. Personally, I love all music. Mainly just because I understand each individual song represents an emotion, and I can relate to that.

Perfect example is a song by a band named Zox. The one song they made entitle "Eventually" is a quite simple guitar progression (consisting of a total of 6 chords) but absolutely amazing lyrically.

So baby wont you be part of my fantasy?
'Cause I can't sit around and wait until "eventually"
Let me take you home and watch your garden grow
A little closer and I'll make it so you can't say no

And its making me crazy
to be your friend when your my fantasy
my fantasy.

Now if you can't relate to that, you should probably question your friendships then.
Because if you've ever had a best friend of the opposite gender YOUR GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM

Plain and simple folks. And dont bullshit me and say "No, that's not true. They're like a brother/sister to me! I could never think of them like that!"

Bullshit.

You have, you may not realize right now, but you have. Guys especially. How many times have you sat there, on the phone, at like 3am, when you have work at 7, listening to you're friend bitch and complain how their boyfriend treats them like crap and you just think "MEEEEEEEEEE!!!! YOU NEED TO DATE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Girls I know you do the same thing too, but I do understand as to why you don't act on it....

You don't want to lose them

It's a scary thought when you realize what your life would be like without this person in it, but you have to realize, all bridges crumble, not matter how strong the foundation is, with the sands of time always moving, erosion is bound to occur. Your best guy or girl friend won't be there for you for the rest of their lives. And you wanna know why? Because they more than likely found a girl/boy to invest those emotions that were being otherwise wasted on you. In other words:

you will be replaced

harsh? yes.
uncalled for? maybe.
False? no.

I've seen it happen, even in my own relations with someone, but don't go and get upset. Hell, its more of a reason to believe in the title of this blog "Remember you will die, but don't forget to live"

So yeah, you might lose your friend down the road, and I'm telling you, you won't even realize they're missing till they're in another state. But don't waste those feelings, those raw emotions.

Because, hell, they're your best friend for a reason....They understand and love your being.


~T.T.

5:30am Poetry.....

Today was a bittersweet day for me.  On one hand, the bad one unfortunately, it was tough.  The decision was made that it would best if we put my cat, Katie, to sleep.  This was extremely hard on everyone, especially my sister, because we've had her for 18 years.  That's so long that I dont even remember getting her, she was just always there.  I didn't see her as a pet, I saw her more as another sister, which is odd I suppose.  The other rough thing is that it was also my grandfather's birthday, who unfortunately passed away 3 years ago.  Now if you know me and have sat through my long (and probably boring) story about how much my Grandfather meant to me, you'd understand why it's a hard day for me to get through.

On the other hand, I had a few positives throughout the day.  My mom bought me Where the Wild Things Are on dvd for me because she knows how much I love that movie.  Another thing that was amazing was the fact that I finally got myself a longboard, it was much needed to.  I never felt so relaxed before.  I even came up with some words (poem I guess you can call it?) while I was riding around today. So here it is:

Volume's up

My wheels go down

I push off from home on a journey for the day

My left foot points forward a slight bit

Trying to hold my ground

While being ready to take the next step

My right foot planted firmly across the tape

Shoulders even, head to the left

My body is neither moving forward

Nor backward

I'm traveling sideways through the moment

Every push I take moves me into the future

Large, powerful, aggressive kicks

Necessary, but moves you faster through life

Small, light, gentle steps

Conforts but can get you stuck in the past

I feel my headphones blaring rhythm into my heart

A snare hits followed by a chord and I become euphoric

Everything moves in slow motion

I feel as though the Earth's pushing off me

I no longer have legs, just pedals

I'm no longer skin and bone

Just wood, metal, and rubber

Mixed with some cold air an asphalt

I am a skateboarder

I am skateboarding.

yeah, pretty lame i know, but it felt amazing just to be riding around all day....

k, i saved the mushy lubby dubby stuff for last, so feel free to skip this part.  I hung out with the girl today (I like making you people guess, its fun)  she knows who she is, she reads this thing, so i guess thats all that matters. 

time for the sappy poem, deal with it.

You got me

You got me good

I thought I had it planned right

I thought I understood

Tied myself up with string, rope, and chains

Locked myself away, from feeling like I should

I was scared, scared to climb to new heights

So scared I built an thick glass wall

I tried so hard not to let anyone in

But that didn't work out at all

Because with one sentence, one breathe, just 9 little words

You've made that glass fall.

Now each restraint is breaking

Thread by thread, link by link.

You've infiltrated my mind

I can't even think

Without hearing your voice

Without hearing you sing

Six years we went our ways

Six years we never said a thing

But now your back

And I face uncertainty

But I'm no longer scared

I'm just weak in the knees.